Why did Jacob love Joseph? ;“Because he was the son of his old age,” (Genesis 37:3) the Torah says. Of course, Benjamin was the son of his even older age, and from the same mother. Rabbi Judah and Rabbi Nehemiah offer different answers, both of which have lessons about love (B.R. 84:8).

Using the word zekunim (age), Rabbi Judah says his features (ziv ikunim) were like Jacob’s. Rabbi Judah’s interpretation is based in part on the striking parallels in the two lives. (BR 84:6). Here is just a sample of the parallels offered: Both were born to previously barren mothers. Both were hated by their brothers. Both had brothers who sought to kill them. Both were shepherds. Both achieved wealth. Both left Israel and both married a woman outside of Israel. Both became great through dreams. Both died in Egypt and were taken after death to Israel.

Some studies have shown that parents, especially fathers, favor children who look like them, perhaps since it sends an unconscious signal about the reliability of paternity.

There is a deeper spiritual lesson as well. We favor those who are like us. This is not only true inside families but in the world. We are drawn to those with the same interests, attitudes, outlooks, and aims in life. The Torah admonishes us to love the stranger, which can be seen as more than a national or geographical category. Those who are different from us are strange to us. To love them is not natural and we have to learn to love.

Rabbi Nehemiah points to another kind of love, which is the bond of those who learn from one another. He says that it is because Jacob became Joseph’s teacher (using zaken, old man, as an abbreviation for zeh kanah chochmah, this one has acquired wisdom).This is no longer about affinity, because we can learn from people very different from ourselves. Often, we learn more from those who are different than we do from those who are the same.

Rabbi Judah teaches of a love for those similar to us; Rabbi Nehemiah points to love that arises from the connection to the stranger.

This weekly Torah portion is read on Hanukkah. Hanukkah seeks to spread light to the world. In an age of polarization and prejudice, this message is vital: To overcome hate we must love beyond ourselves and our group, a lesson of embrace deeply needed in our time.